Cèline Azem: Coping With an Eating Disorder

by Alexandra Mansilla

Cèline Azem: ‘It Takes Immense Strength To Cope With an Eating Disorder’

10 May 2024

Céline Azem has organised numerous exhibitions and is now a Curator and Director at Firetti Contemporary. Her life has been immersed in art from her childhood, surrounded by incredible artists and their works. It sounds enchanting, doesn't it? Indeed, it is. However, there was a period when Céline struggled with an eating disorder.

An eating disorder might seem like something that can be quickly overcome, but in reality, it is when food completely dominates your life, making it hard to break free. It can persist for years, and even when you think you are okay, the dependency on food may still linger.

Céline succeeded in overcoming her disorder, and we discussed it extensively during our conversation.

P.S. Thanks to Ali Cha'aban for the photo above.

— Céline, you are Italian-Syrian and were born in Nigeria. What a mix!

— Yes, I spent my childhood in Nigeria. My father is originally Lebanese-Syrian, but he is a fourth-generation Nigerian. His family migrated to Nigeria years ago and stayed there, and my father still lives there to this day. My parents met there, and my mom lived there for 25 years.

I hold that country close to my heart because my formative years were spent there, and I have many fond memories. However, it was also a very challenging place to live compared to somewhere like Dubai. It wasn't safe — there were riots at the time, creating a very dangerous environment. Eventually, my parents seized the opportunity to move to the UAE. After we moved, my mother transitioned from investing in real estate to art investment management. We moved to Italy as she started to manage the careers of some renowned Italian artists and to focus on art-related projects.

Later, I studied in London for three years at Central Saint Martins, and then I returned to Dubai, which has been my base for about 20 years. I have constantly found myself coming back here. So, if you ask me where my home is, I would definitely say Dubai. I know it intimately, having spent so many years watching it grow into what it is today. I am thrilled that we have opened our gallery here, and I am happy to still be living here.

However, I often describe myself as culturally confused. I feel a strong connection to my Italian heritage, as I grew up with my Italian mother, speak Italian fluently, and visit Italy frequently. I am close to my Italian family but also deeply curious about my Arab roots. Most of the artists we represent at the gallery are from the Arab world, and working with them not only inspires me but also deepens my desire to explore these countries that are a part of me but with which I have never fully connected.

— I can see it because of your gestures!

Yes, my mannerisms are very Italian!

Photo: Celine's personal archive

— And also, there was a period in your life when you were a personal trainer, right?

— Yeah, I was. I studied art at university and always knew I wanted to be involved in the arts. I worked with a few galleries during and after university as well. Then COVID hit, and I felt a bit lost. I was just in a phase where I was contemplating what I wanted to do. I have always had a passion for fitness; I have been training since I was about 13, dabbling in different sports and exercises. It became my escape and also helped me get over my eating disorder. So, I wanted to give that a go — why not? I found a way to make myself happy, and I really want to share this, particularly with women, and help them overcome any challenges they have in a very healthy and holistic way. I studied female hormones and learned that we have four stages throughout the month that correlate with our menstrual cycle. Our hormones go up and down, and you have to eat and exercise in a way that contributes to your hormones because you don't function like a man. A man's hormone cycle is much shorter and more straightforward than a woman's. We are different.

Women should pay attention to estrogen and progesterone, hormones that fluctuate throughout the menstrual cycle and affect both energy levels and mood. Working in harmony with these hormonal changes, rather than against them, can enhance well-being. For instance, engaging in intense HIIT workouts just before your period may contradict your body's natural rhythms. It is more beneficial to opt for gentler, low-impact exercises during this time. Understanding and adapting to these physiological nuances has been a key focus for me.

It was an interesting experience because, at the end of the day, in every industry, you' are dealing with people. As a personal trainer, you are also psychologically trying to make a person love exercise and change their mindset about their relationship with food, which is similar to what happens in sales.

I was at a point where I wanted to clear my headspace and focus on another passion of mine. During this time, my mother was working on a plan to open a gallery, leveraging all her connections to great artists. She aimed to finally establish a permanent space of her own. When she shared her plans with me and asked me to be on board, I was extremely excited.

She had established the ethos behind the gallery and carefully selected the artists with whom we would open, the projects we would undertake, and the programming of the gallery. Then, we just dived in and started. This was still during COVID-19, so it was a huge risk. We opened our gallery in 2021.

— Going back to your childhood, you mentioned being surrounded by art, like museums and fairs. Could we explore some memories? Are there particular artists or artworks from your childhood that you still remember vividly?

— I’d say that in Nigeria, where I grew up, we often went to markets where artists sold their works. The art was distinctly African, and to this day, I still resonate with it. I have a particular love for contemporary African art.

When it comes to the masters, I vividly remember flipping through catalogs and books featuring artists like Caravaggio, with whom I was deeply in love. Another artist who made me want to learn more about art was Dali. I studied surrealism extensively because it was the movement that fascinated me the most. The dream-like works these artists created felt like an escape from reality, which is exactly what they were. Over time, I also studied abstract expressionism and various other movements, gradually gaining an appreciation for all these different forms of art and the evolution of art itself. Now, I mainly deal with contemporary art, which is my favourite at the moment. However, one must always appreciate the masters. In fact, we have Dali’s work at Firetti Contemporary today!

— Wow, how do you feel about it?

— When Mara told me that we were going to have Dali’s in our gallery, it was unbelievable. It was like, “No way, are we really going to have Dalí in our gallery?” Yeah, it was a dream that came true, and now I still look at them every day in awe.

"Profile of Time"; “Space Elephant”; “Woman of Time” by Salvador Dali

— That's really cool! Okay, now, going back to your teenage years, we are touching on a tough topic. Once, you mentioned that when you were between 11 and 13 years old in Milan, you felt insecure. You were a bit overweight and experienced bullying because of this. Did your classmates bully you because of your appearance or something else?

— I would say, you know, the classic being bullied for the way you look. I was a bit overweight, and in Milan especially — I feel like because it is a fashion capital — people are very hyper-focused on appearance. I remember being made fun of and not fitting in with the popular kids. But it is funny because one summer, I think I just had a growth spurt and lost weight, and the way I was treated changed dramatically. It just goes to show that "pretty privilege" is very real. When you look a certain way, you are treated very differently. Having been bullied, I would never treat someone that way.

— Your classmates called you "tree trunk legs", right? Was that the extent of it, or did they bully you in other ways as well?

— Yeah, it was just name-calling, you know, or making you feel bad, laughing at you. When you are a teenager, you are already the most insecure person, so these things can break you. That is what triggered an eating disorder for me. I felt very worthless because I was overweight and very insecure. I wanted to lose weight but didn't understand what a healthy way to do that was at the time. Then I discovered calories. It was like an Eureka moment for me. I thought, "Oh wow, calories. Okay, I'm going to track them and only eat about 600 calories a day." And this is where it starts. I feel this is where eating disorders start for many young men and women. You learn what calories are, you start tracking them, become hyper-focused and obsessed, and feel guilty if you exceed your limit. I remember losing a lot of weight. My teachers and my mother — the people who loved me — were concerned. They were worried and would say, "You're not eating. What's wrong with you?" I continued on that path for a while, and it was a constant cycle of gaining and losing weight all the way until university.

— How many kilos did you lose?

— I think I was about 10 when it all started. The thing is, I had a growth spurt, so I grew tall and lost some weight. I don't remember the exact numbers, but I definitely got skinnier, though not to the point of anorexia. But later on, I developed other issues like binge eating, which led to bulimia. It started with restrictions, and then, if I exceeded those restrictions, I felt guilty and would purge.

I really didn't know anything at the time. I had no idea what I was doing, and I didn't even realise it was bulimia or anorexia. It is strange looking back, but then you start to learn about these things, and yes, it is definitely a psychological issue. You end up with body dysmorphia; you never feel good enough, and you develop such a negative relationship with food that it disrupts your hormones. I remember always feeling tired.

My skin looked bad, I experienced hair loss, and during university, I had a major health scare because my immune system was severely compromised. I went to a doctor, and they diagnosed me with shingles, which typically affects older adults or those with very weak immune systems. Realising I was just harming my body scared me, and that is when I decided enough was enough.

I want to feed my body, nourish it with good nutrients, exercise, and be healthy. I don't mind if I gain weight; I just need to fix whatever I have broken inside of me, and that is exactly what I did. When I started eating normally again, I did gain weight. I also started boxing, which really helped, and I felt my body composition improving. It was difficult to see myself getting bigger, but eventually, after battling with myself, I reached a point where I was happy being a bit fuller and just feeling healthy.

To this day, if my weight fluctuates a bit here and there, I am completely fine and at ease with it. I am thankful for the journey it has taken to reach this point. I am now very confident and happy, and I maintain a healthy relationship with food. I feel that the old side of me is gone, and I can't imagine returning to that previous mindset.

Now, it breaks my heart to see my little sister struggle with food. It is a generational issue as well — I observe the dynamics surrounding food in the women of my family and friends' families, and I recognise the pervasive and damaging nature of this toxicity in many women's relationships with themselves.

— During that period when you were dealing with an eating disorder, did you find yourself throwing away food?

— Yes, definitely. I would often buy whatever I wanted, take one bite, and then throw the rest away. Or, I'd keep certain foods out of my fridge altogether.

— When you face an eating disorder and can’t control your eating behaviour, you might become obsessed with certain foods, thinking about them all the time. Did that happen to you?

— For me, I used to forbid myself from eating certain things, like a chocolate egg, thinking, "This is so bad; I can’t even have one." But then I would think, "Let me just have one," and soon after, "Since I have already had one, I might as well have another." And before I knew it, "I have already broken my diet, so I might as well finish the whole bowl." That is the trap many people fall into. You restrict yourself so much that you can’t stop thinking about it. That is basic psychology: anything you are told you can’t have becomes irresistibly tempting. You start to believe that even one bite will add a layer of fat overnight.

Eating disorder is like a demon enters your brain, starts talking to you, and you can’t control it. That was my case. My obsession was with foods like cookies and pasta. If I made pasta, I would cook a lot, eat the whole bowl, and then feel guilty enough to make myself throw up. The same applies to cookies, chocolates, or whatever it was. It is all about guilt. I feel like many people develop eating disorders when there are other things troubling them in their lives, especially when it comes to binging because it helps suppress feelings. When you are angry, down, or experiencing any negative emotion, the immediate relief from something tasty, like chocolate, can be very appealing.

For anyone trying to overcome this, it is crucial to understand what triggers you and to really want to get better. You need to realise how it is impacting your life. You are letting food control you, instead of you controlling what you eat and your mind.

Overcoming it requires a strong will. It takes immense strength and constant self-talk. You have programmed yourself to think a certain way about the food. You need to deprogram your mind. You have to battle it, find ways to cope and build your self-worth. During my phase of eating disorders, my self-worth was really low. I didn’t love myself, and I felt insecure. As you build a better relationship with yourself, it also shows in your relationship with food and exercise. That is what I feel, at least for me. That is what I have realised now.

— How do you feel now?

— I have never felt healthier in my entire life, and I have maintained this good feeling for the past three to four years. My weight has stabilised, and I eat well and exercise regularly. However, I am no longer too harsh on myself. I used to think I needed to work out five times a week and strictly adhere to a diet. But now, I eat what I want occasionally, focusing on consuming good nutrients for my body. I exercise, but if I don't feel like it or if I am in pain and need to rest more one day or week (haha), I allow myself to skip it. It took a while, but I am very grateful for the mindset and the healthy relationship I now have with myself. Yes, it is definitely possible to move out of any negative headspace, to improve your relationship with yourself, with food, with exercise, and with everything else.

Instagram: @celineazem

— Yeah, thank you for sharing. Okay, I have one more question about this. Can you tell if someone might have an eating disorder just by observing their behaviour without actually knowing the person?

— Eating behaviours can definitely give some insights, especially if you are dining with someone and notice their mannerisms around food or the comments they make.

You can often hear sayings like "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips," or "I need to skip lunch today because I ate so much yesterday." From these interactions, I can definitely tell about their struggles, and I have learned that you can't really intervene because people need to want to change themselves. Even with my family members, I have tried to offer advice, but nobody listens unless they are ready to hear it. Sometimes, you have to step back. It is like the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink."

Even my little sister comes to me all the time asking how I lost weight because she wants to lose weight, too. I tell her to maintain a balanced diet and not worry too much about food. She is only 13 and still growing. I encourage her to exercise and eat healthily, as well as to enjoy what she wants without obsessing over food.

— Honestly, knowing about that issue, I try not to make food the centre of the universe while raising my daughter. I focus on keeping it balanced without giving it too much emphasis.

— It is a tough balancing act: on one hand, you want your children to eat well and avoid developing unhealthy habits. On the other, you don’t want them to become overly concerned with every choice they make, nor do you want to impose such strict restrictions that it ultimately backfires as they grow older. I never faced food restrictions as a child, yet I still developed obsessions with food. Influences can also come from the behaviour and attitudes of those around us, including how people talk about food or even how the parents of friends enforce these "restrictions."

Moreover, the way a mother — or any female figure — treats herself and views her body deeply impacts her daughters. For instance, if a girl sees her mother scrutinising her own body in the mirror or obsessing over needing to be skinny, it sends a strong message about body image. Statements like, "I have gained weight; I am only going to eat salads today," can profoundly influence a young mind. Girls often absorb these attitudes subconsciously, not just from their mothers but from other influential women around them, and these perceptions may not fully surface until much later in life.

Océane Sailly, Mara Firetti, and Cèline Azem

— Thank you, Cèline. Now, could you tell me about your career path? How did you become a curator?

— This is what I studied at university, where I worked on quite a few projects. Through opening the gallery and through Mara's selections, I got to know many amazing artists, and we collectively worked on numerous projects and exhibitions! It was a great opportunity to grow and learn as a curator and art enthusiast. I guess I picked up my eye for art from my mother!

Gradually, I began curating and co-curating several exhibitions. I have worked alongside curators whom I deeply respect! One of them is Océane Sailly, a French PhD student with an incredible knowledge of art. She owns a gallery called HUNNA, focusing mainly on female artists from the Arabian Peninsula. We worked on a group show called “Eyes Wide Shut” together.

I enjoy brainstorming with others and co-curating, like the exhibition with Ali Cha’aban and Mara ["The Fifth Wife"]. Ali’s knowledge of Middle Eastern art is extensive, and he has some brilliant insights into curating — he just has a brilliant mind in general! He brought some amazing artists on board for the show. (Thank you, Ali!!!)

Other experiences at art fairs and with institutions have been extremely helpful in shaping my curatorial practice. Curating is a continuous learning journey. You get better with time and experience!

We have been open for nearly four years now, and we have hosted some very interesting shows covering a variety of topics and themes. It has been both fun and enlightening. A lot of my inspiration for curating comes from the messages behind the artists' work — a lesson I have learned from Mara! They are the stars of the show, after all. My role is to piece things together, helping to communicate their stories and concepts. If it is a group show, I look to bridge artists who have similar views or who beautifully juxtapose each other. There is beauty in that juxtaposition. Curating is like a playground of art and ideas.

It really is broad, and you can come up with so many interesting concepts to start discussions. That is the beauty of it. If we are passionate about something, or if our gallery's ethos is concerned, it is about creating meaningful and sustainable collections. So, for every show that we organise, we try to ensure it carries an important message, whether it is about environmental sustainability, social and political concerns, women's rights, or other relevant issues in our society at the time. Essentially, everything we do must have meaning.

— Have you ever encountered artwork that moved you to tears or almost did?

— Since opening the gallery, two artists in particular have deeply moved me. One of them is Sawsan Al Bahar. I curated her first solo exhibition in 2020, titled "Talaliya." Her practice involves tracing the ruins of her home. Being Syrian-Palestinian, her works revolve around this theme. We installed 3D-printed sculptural sheets with pages inscribed with her grandfather's memoirs. He had left Palestine during the Nakba, moving to Damascus, Syria, and never returned. His writings recount his memories of his life in Jaffa, Palestine, and his family's departure and gradual settlement in Damascus — making the show profoundly touching. The delicate use of graphite in her drawings, a medium that is a trace in itself, serves as a powerful metaphor for the transient nature of memory. Conceptually, she is brilliant, considering every detail in her work that, when understood, touches you deeply.

Another artist who evoked strong emotions in our gallery is Annie Kurkdjian. Lebanese-Armenian, her work is a manifestation of generational trauma from the Armenian Genocide and the Lebanese Civil War, exploring PTSD through uncomfortable, yet compelling figurative works. These drawings often depict figures in pain, in strange positions that might initially discomfort viewers but also allow a deeper connection to the raw and real human condition, beyond rose-colored lenses. Her work is powerful and resonates deeply because it confronts discomfort in a paradoxically beautiful way.

My love for art thrives on works like these that provoke discomfort yet offer new perspectives on the realities of the world, beautifully conveyed through the lens of the artist.

Artworks of Annie Kurkdjian

— Also, would you like to discuss any upcoming exhibitions that you are currently preparing for in your gallery?

— We are preparing for a show in autumn with an intriguing Azerbaijani artist named Kaikhan Salakhov.

Salakhov will be introducing a new series inspired by the Renaissance, featuring classic works reimagined in his style, which is heavily influenced by sacred geometry. I don’t want to reveal too much detail yet, but it is shaping up to be a fascinating exhibition.

Additionally, we have a solo exhibition coming up for the American artist Jason Middlebrook. His signature works involve carving and shaping tree trunks into canvases for geometric compositions that reference works by artists such as Ellsworth Kelly, Bridget Riley, and Frank Stella. He is also a sustainable artist; for every tree cut down, ten are planted, and his style is both unique and captivating.

We are also planning a solo exhibition with Annie Kurkdjian. I am particularly excited about that one and looking forward to seeing it come to life.

Kaikhan Salakhov

— Could you tell me more about the layout and design of the space? For instance, why are certain subjects placed in specific locations? I am interested in understanding the logic behind the arrangement of the space.

— We wanted the space to be quite versatile. All these walls that you see are movable. Essentially, every time we have a show, the whole dynamic of the space changes to cater to the dialogue we want to present for each specific show. There is always a process determining what you want visitors to encounter first, the relevance of the artist in the narrative of the curatorial text, and then we build off that.

To be honest, it is very case-by-case when it comes to the journey of the show. I think most curators or gallery owners will agree that you always start with an idea in mind, but when the artworks are physically present, everything changes. I have had so many instances where, at the last minute, we had to completely revise the plan because once you see the pieces in person, you realise, "No, this piece needs to be here, that there, reposition the walls to better suit the flow." So, yes, it is a very dynamic and often unpredictable process.

by Alexandra Mansilla

Cèline Azem: ‘It Takes Immense Strength To Cope With an Eating Disorder’

10 May 2024

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