“It Should Have Been Me”: The Nature Of Survivor's Guilt

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by Alexandra Mansilla

'It Should Have Been Me': The Complex Nature Of Survivor's Guilt

8 Oct 2024

Survivor's guilt — an emotional weight that no one asks for but far too many carry. It is that uneasy feeling when you are left standing while others weren’t so lucky, whether it is surviving the war, a natural disaster, or any other tragedy. It sneaks into the corners of your mind, whispering that, somehow, it should have been you. This guilt can be relentless. Why does it show up? How do you make peace with it? With the help of Mina Shafik, Clinical Psychologist at Nafsi, we unpack the complex, often painful nature of survivor's guilt and explore how you can stop blaming yourself.

— What is survivor’s guilt?

— Survivor's guilt is a response to a traumatic event that some people experience when they survive while others do not. The term was first introduced in 1934 by Dr. Stanley Cobb and Dr. Erich Lindenmann based on the guilt associated with the survivors of the Holocaust (Bistas and Grewal, 2023).

The term was later expanded to include not only people who survived a traumatic event but also those who have witnessed or heard traumatic events without necessarily being directly involved. Survivor's guilt can lead to temporary or enduring feelings of immense guilt for surviving. This guilt can result in low self-esteem, sleep disturbances, low mood, low motivation, and decreased appetite. Prolonged symptoms may lead to the development of anxiety disorders, depression, and PTSD.

— Why might a person not feel happy about their survival? What thoughts do they have?

— It is not that the survivor is unhappy about their own survival, but rather the painful realisation that they have outlived others. The survivors may find themselves grappling with the thought, "It should have been me." As social beings by nature, this outliving creates emotional struggle that often overshadows the relief of survival.

— Who is most likely to experience it?

— Humans, as social beings, tend to relate to others who share common identity features, such as nationality, religion, and culture. For instance, a Lebanese person may feel a strong connection to other Lebanese individuals due to their shared nationality and culture. Therefore, when Lebanese people suffer from the effects of war, others in the Lebanese community may also feel a sense of connection to that suffering, even if they were not physically present in Lebanon at the time. This implicit connection often leads us to contemplate how we would feel if we were in the same situation. This can lead to feelings of survivor's guilt, which is a universal experience but is more prevalent in collectivistic cultures compared to individualistic ones. This is because individuals in collectivistic cultures tend to consider how their decisions impact not only themselves but also their families, communities, and society as a whole.

— How can someone cope with it?

— Survivor's guilt is a complex and deeply personal experience. It is a universal phenomenon, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The key to healing lies in understanding and respecting the unique factors contributing to each individual's experience. This is why seeking therapy is so important. It provides a platform for individuals to work with professionals and develop tailored solutions that honour their personal complexities.

One of the goals of therapy is to help the person understand that it is not their fault that the trauma occurred and it is not their fault that they survived while others did not. Guilt can motivate us to advocate, donate, help others in need, and maybe even advocate to prevent such traumas from happening again. The guilt may have come from not doing anything to prevent the situation from happening, which is reasonable because there are many things we do not have control over. However, not doing anything to help, even remotely, just sitting and feeling guilty all the time, sustains the guilt and helps it stay.

When we act to help, and the help does not work, it is at least a relief that we tried. When we act to help, and the help does work, then maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we survived because our help did actually make a difference.

— I have heard that some individuals, in order to cope with survival guilt, might take on jobs that involve life-threatening risks. Is it true?

— Survivor's guilt is a complex and powerful emotion. It can linger long after the initial trauma, leading to feelings of anger and frustration. The survivor may feel that the guilt is so overwhelming that it requires significant effort to overcome. To combat this overwhelming guilt, survivors often turn to healthy coping mechanisms such as therapy and volunteering in disaster or war relief efforts. These actions not only help the survivor but also contribute to the greater good.

If someone asks, “Why would the survivor risk their life again just to contribute?” There is no direct answer to this question, but one common phenomenon is that the frustration from not overcoming the guilt builds momentum and courage in the survivor, a courage that is big enough to face death itself again.

by Alexandra Mansilla

'It Should Have Been Me': The Complex Nature Of Survivor's Guilt

8 Oct 2024

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