The Art of Saying “No”

by Barbara Yakimchuk

The Art of Saying “No”

29 Oct 2024

How often do you say “yes” when you actually do not want to? It seems like a small thing — after all, helping someone is a noble act. But what if it negatively impacts you? With the help of a psychologist from NAFSI clinic, we will explore the reasons behind the difficulties of saying “no” and how to tackle this issue.

Saying “no” is not something we are taught in school or university (unless you are studying psychology). In fact, it is quite the opposite — from a young age, we get used to the idea that the strategy of “agreeing” is much safer and more pleasant than the alternative.

It is hard to deny that burnout at work is closely tied to our ability to say no. If you are already overloaded and realise that taking on another task (or two) will probably mean working overtime again, the most sensible thing would be to say, "Sorry, I just do not have the time for this additional task."

Yet, for some reason, when someone asks, “Can you help with this?” we often find ourselves saying, “Yes, sure.” And then again. And again. This eventually contributes to alarming statistics — according to a report by Harvard Business Review, "Over 53% of managers report feeling burned out at work."

Image: Getty Images

It is important to note right from the start that people have problems with “saying no” not only in work relationships (though there as well, especially in companies with a vertical hierarchy and clearly defined “authority”). The same thing happens in friendship, family relationships, and romantic relationships.

If we go back to the basics — specifically Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we see that the third level is about our need for love (which later became known as social needs), and the fourth focuses on the need for respect and recognition. So, it looks like in pursuit of these needs, we often do things to appear better in the eyes of society — sometimes losing sight of what is truly important for ourselves.

The reasons for these problems often stem from childhood. It happens when we grow up in a family where disagreeing with adults or disobedience feels like it threatens the loss of an important person. This creates a sense of fear and insecurity, pushing the child toward a safer strategy of not upsetting the people around. Simply put, the mindset becomes: "I must agree and do everything I am asked. That way, I will be loved."

I asked NAFSI clinical psychologist Nathalie Syriani, who has 13 years of experience, a few questions about the causes and consequences of the fear of saying "no." Let us dive deeper into this issue with the help of the specialist.

— Why are people afraid to say “no” to others?

— People often struggle to say "no" primarily because they fear disappointing others. They worry that being perceived as unhelpful could lead to feelings of guilt, which can be challenging to cope with. However, there are several other reasons for this difficulty.

First, many people seek acceptance and believe that saying "yes" is essential for being loved.

Second, some people just try to avoid conflict. They fear getting involved in disagreements and feel it is safer to agree with others rather than risk a confrontation and deal with the negative consequences that may arise.

Moreover, some people tend to be overly committed. They feel responsible for everything, (especially in the workplace) and believe they must manage not only their own tasks but also the responsibilities of others.

Image: Midjourney x The Sandy Times

— How to deal with the feeling of guilt when you say "no"?

— First of all, recognise that feeling guilty is normal and natural. Allow yourself to experience this emotion without judgment. Remind yourself that sometimes it is okay to say "no," especially when it is important and necessary for you (for different reasons). Remember that prioritising your needs is not selfish; in fact, it is absolutely healthy.

— How can you develop the ability to say "no" by yourself?

— It is important to practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend. Sometimes, it can be beneficial to step back and view the situation from an external perspective. For instance, imagine a friend came to you, saying “I said no, and now I feel guilty.” How would you respond to him?

Also, seek support. Ask for validation and share your thoughts with others. Listen to their perspectives and practice saying "no" with their encouragement.

— How do you help people who have difficulty saying “no” during the psychotherapy session?

— First, we help people to identify their maladaptive schemas — those negative thought patterns that contribute to difficulties in saying "no". It is important to understand what exactly stops you from standing up for your boundaries — probably the fear of abandonment or the worry of being perceived as a defective or flawed person.

Next, we focus on restructuring the person's thoughts and replacing negative patterns with more balanced ones. This process often involves professional guidance; during the sessions, we encourage individuals to challenge their catastrophic thoughts and learn to de-catastrophise the situations.

Sometimes, we use role-playing exercises to practice saying "no" in a safe and supportive environment, like a psychotherapy session. This hands-on practice helps people to build self-confidence. We also concentrate on developing emotional awareness by encouraging people to pay attention to their feelings. It is important to notice and explore even the feelings like discomfort, guilt, and anxiety, as they are closely related to the ability of saying "no".

Additionally, during psychological sessions, we work on developing assertiveness skills. We teach people to use "I" statements to express their needs and set their boundaries clearly and respectfully. This approach empowers them to communicate more comfortably and effectively, fostering healthier interactions in their relationships.

Naomi Eisenberger experimentally studied the link between physical pain and emotional pain. Her research showed that experiences of physical and social pain are based on shared neural substrates. Through her study, she proved that the feelings our brain experiences during physical impact closely resemble the sensations when you feel guilty or abundant.

This means that we must treat our mental health with the same care as we do our physical health. So, take care of those around you. But most important — take care of yourself!

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The lineup is incredible: Mainline Magic Orchestra from Spain, Eden Burns from New Zealand, and a lot of your favourite DJs like Hani J, Hassan Alwan, Bazzzuk, and more.

Mark your calendar, snag your tickets, and get ready: November 16, 2024, from 5 PM to 3 AM at Monkey Bar, Dubai.

by Barbara Yakimchuk