How Do Kids Settle In Abroad? Parents Share What Really Happens

by Alexandra Mansilla

How Do Kids Settle In Abroad? Parents Share What Really Happens

20 Aug 2025

We move countries, pack up our lives, and bring our kids along for the ride — sometimes without even asking if they are ready, or if they want to move at all. In the whirlwind, we scramble to get them into new schools, throw ourselves into new jobs, and hope that somehow everyone will land on their feet. We try our best to be there for our kids, but the reality is, every member of the family is figuring out this new life in their own way — and it is never easy.

For children, especially, the adjustment can be huge. Suddenly, they are in a new school, maybe learning in a language they barely speak, trying to make friends and understand a whole new world. How do they cope? What do they actually go through? And if all of this happens right in the middle of the rollercoaster that is adolescence, how does it shape them?

Some kids breeze through and seem to thrive. For others, it is much more complicated: they might start resenting their parents, shut down at school, or struggle with apathy and even depression.

We spoke with parents whose children really went through it all — the ups and the downs — to find out what helped, what didn’t, and what they wish they’d known sooner.

Katya’s story — Age 10 (When she moved)

“I want to go home”

We moved to Dubai in 2022. My eldest daughter, Katya, was ten at the time, and my younger one, Vera, was just a little kid. I arrived in Dubai a little before them, wanting to set everything up and make our new place feel cozy — my biggest goal was to make the transition as smooth as possible, so that everything would feel like home, just in a different country. I thought, what could possibly change? Pretty much nothing, or so I believed.

But things turned out very differently.

At first, the girls were excited. It all felt like one long holiday. But very quickly, Katya’s motivation just dropped off a cliff — she lost interest in everything that used to inspire her. And then it hit her: this wasn’t a vacation, and we weren’t going back. That is when the crisis began. She felt totally betrayed by me. What hurt her most was leaving her friends and her home country. None of my explanations — about work, business, “the circumstances” — meant anything to her. She only had one question for me: “Why should I study? Why do I have to go to this school? I want to go home to my friends. I want to speak my own language. I don’t want anything else.”

Every attempt I made to reconnect with her felt pointless. I realised I’d stopped being a support and had turned into the focus of all her anger and hurt. It felt like I wasn’t even an adult in her eyes anymore — I was just the source of all the problems.

Of course, I tried everything: talking with Katya, switching schools, finding different activities and clubs, searching for the right teachers. But nothing worked — she still didn’t want anything, she just withdrew more and more, wanted to leave, and our relationship suffered for it. It became clear: I needed to do something drastic, and if I couldn’t fix it myself, maybe someone outside the family — a neutral person — could help. But who?

“She just needed a sense of control”

That is when Step by Step and coaching entered our lives, and honestly, it was a turning point for the whole family. Katya started to unpack her emotions, learned to recognise her feelings and understand what she actually wanted. For the first time, we had honest conversations: what didn’t she like about Dubai, what was missing, what did she want to change? Gradually, she realised — she wasn’t just “baggage” that we picked up and moved from place to place. She could make decisions, take charge of her own experience, and set her own goals.

So many expat kids feel exactly like that — like a suitcase that got moved without being asked. But when a child realises, “I’m not just a victim of circumstances here,” everything shifts.

For example, it turned out that Katya really missed classical architecture, changing seasons, and music. Once we talked about it openly, we figured out she might be interested in trying boarding school in Europe, where she could have all those old buildings, music, and even real winter. The decision didn’t come overnight. We talked, explored, and looked for compromises together. It wasn’t an ultimatum — it was a process.

With the coaches and psychologists from Step By Step, Katya finally had structure in her life and a sense of control over her day. She had a schedule, and there were adults — not just parents, but mentors — who helped her navigate and plan her path. And, surprisingly, our relationship changed too: Katya stopped seeing me as the “enemy” and, for the first time, started saying “Mom, thank you” — even for the small things, like a good teacher or simply the opportunity to learn. That is something I rarely hear, and honestly, it feels like my biggest win as a parent.

Sometimes, kids don’t just need explanations — they need space to make their own choices, and the support and time to figure things out. That is the real value of coaching and all the work we did as a family.

Chloe’s Story — Age 13 (When she moved)

"Crying on the phone every day"

After years of homeschooling, we decided to send my daughter to school in London. No one was especially thrilled or against it; it just felt like the right next step, so we said, Let’s give it a try.

We started searching for a good international school and landed on Sevenoaks. Chloe got in. It is an extremely selective, competitive school — really all about high achievement and ambition.

At the time, we didn’t know how to pick a school properly. We were just focused on finding a good one — we had no clue how important it is to find the right fit between a child and a school. That is something we only realised much later.

There is a two-year program called GCSE. It is a tough program, and at the end, the school decides if the student can continue for the final two years. Chloe went straight into the first year of this program, and from day one, she was thrown into a really intense academic world.

That is where things started to get tough. She struggled on all fronts.

First of all, boarding school just isn’t for everyone. Chloe was away from home for the first time, all on her own. For three months straight, she called home in tears every single day — totally homesick and really struggling to cope. Eventually, she made some friends, but it took a while before she found her people.

And then, of course, there is the whole teenage identity crisis. Her first instinct — just like almost every teenager — was: “If I want to fit in, I have to be popular. I have to be the coolest.” But Chloe is an introvert, and trying to squeeze herself into that mould was just exhausting — it felt completely unnatural, like trying to wear someone else’s skin. She wasn’t becoming popular, and that is when the doubts crept in: “Maybe I just don’t fit in. Maybe this place isn’t for me.”

Things slowly got better in the second half of the year. She found friends she actually clicked with. She finished the first year, but honestly, we still didn’t realise just how hard things had been for her. Should we let her stay or move her somewhere else? We decided to give it one more year — she finally had some friends, and we hoped the worst was over.

But academically, it only got more challenging.

“She needs a new school ASAP”

Chloe is an incredibly creative person. She needs art, studios, and an atmosphere where she can really express herself. But her school just didn’t have enough of that — although, honestly, at the time, we hardly thought about it. I do remember the agent who helped us pick the school actually saying, “Maybe you should consider something different for Chloe...” Back then, we just didn’t pay much attention.

Looking back, I know that was a mistake. When Chloe moved into the second year of GCSE, things got really hard for her. That is when we finally understood: we couldn’t get through this alone. We brought in tutors from Step by Step.

The Step by Step team understood right away: academically, Chloe was struggling. Her interests were just miles away from the school’s focus — it was like they were living on different planets. She was miserable, right on the edge of depression, completely burned out by school. The psychologist said Chloe was a “highly sensitive child.” It is not a diagnosis, just a well-recognised trait: she experiences everything so deeply and intensely. That is a gift for an artist, but for a teenager in a tough school environment, it is overwhelming.

The experts told us: you need to find a new school, fast, and make sure she transfers next year. We pushed through to the end of the year, got her extra tutoring support, and she managed to pass her exams. After that, we started searching for a new school together — one that she actually liked, where she could take all the art classes she wanted. She met the teachers, checked out the classrooms, and ended up picking a school with the A-Level program (instead of IB). With A-Levels, you only study three subjects, but you go much deeper, almost like university-level. It made much more sense for her since by then she already knew she wanted to pursue art, even if she hadn’t nailed down exactly which area yet.

It took almost the entire first year for her to settle in — totally normal for highly sensitive kids. Now, she has finished school, aced her exams, and got into the place she wanted. This last year has been genuinely productive because she was finally doing what she loved and found a group of friends who understood her.

Before, she always felt like she was falling short — like she could never quite reach the bar. It was crushing and incredibly demotivating. Now, though, she is confident and sure of what she wants.

As these stories show, every child’s adaptation to a new country is different — some find it harder, others a bit easier, but it is always a process, and that is something parents shouldn’t forget. What should you look out for? Are there challenges kids face that parents might not even realise? And how can you actually help your child adjust? We put all these questions to the tutors at the Step by Step, who have helped the kids in these stories — and many others — find their footing abroad.

— What are the biggest challenges kids face when they move abroad to study? Are there difficulties that adults might not even realise?

— The most obvious challenges are things like the language barrier, getting used to a new school system, different social rules, and suddenly having to be more independent. But there are also many subtler things that often go unnoticed: feelings of loneliness, being far from family, a loss of the familiar sense of identity (“who am I in this new country?”), and a fear of not fitting in with local kids. These feelings can crop up even in kids who seem social and successful on the surface.

— Are there early warning signs that a child is struggling to adapt? Things parents should look out for before it gets really serious.

Parents should pay attention if their child:

Loses interest in school or activities they used to enjoy;

Becomes withdrawn or refuses to talk about school;
Complains about feeling tired, has headaches, trouble sleeping;
Avoids social situations, spends all their time online or alone, says they haven’t made any friends;
Becomes irritable or unusually angry for no obvious reason.

All of these are signs your child may be struggling and needs extra support.

— How can parents help their child adapt? Are there any rituals or routines that can help?

— It is really helpful to create “islands of stability” — familiar rituals that give a sense of home. This might mean regular family dinners over video calls if you can’t be together in person, or scheduled calls with friends and relatives from back home. It is important to talk about your child’s feelings without judging (“look, everyone else has settled in and you haven’t made any friends yet” or “other kids would love to be in your place — why are you complaining?”). Instead, try to listen with empathy and acceptance.

You can also share your own experiences with adapting to new situations, if you have any, and talk about what helped you — but be careful not to make it sound like a lecture or set an impossible example (“When I was your age, I just got on with it — why can’t you?”). It is more helpful to say, “I understand this can be really hard. I’m here for you, and we’ll figure it out together.”

— Tutors at Step by Step seem to unlock things in kids that parents can’t always reach. How do you do it? What kinds of questions do you ask?

— It comes down to a mix of deep professionalism and a genuine love for working with kids. Our tutors have training in both education and psychology, which is crucial for handling all kinds of situations and personalities. We do a lot more than help kids choose schools or build portfolios. Our real aim is to understand what is going on beneath the surface — how a child is dealing with change, what internal strengths and vulnerabilities they have.

Because our team knows a lot about child and family psychology, we can spot subtle signals: when a child is just tired versus when they are feeling lost or shutting down. We know how to bring up tough subjects — but always with care and sensitivity.

A key principle in our work is creating a space without judgment. We make it a point for kids to feel that here, they are not compared to anyone, not rushed, not criticised — they are listened to and accepted. In this kind of environment, children and teens start to open up about their real worries, doubts, and dreams. And that is the first step toward conscious decision-making and maturity.

We also often act as a bridge between kids and their parents. Through conversations with a tutor, kids come to understand themselves better and are then able to explain more clearly what they want and why. Parents, in turn, get to hear not just “what their child chose,” but also “why this is important to them.” It is a process of building more trust and understanding on both sides.

So, let’s always remember: adapting to a new country isn’t just about learning the language or figuring out how things work — it is about making sure your child feels seen, heard, and supported. No judgment, just understanding and care. In the end, that is what matters most —  helping your child feel safe, connected, and truly at home.

by Alexandra Mansilla