I recently founded my own online platform, but I have to be honest, when I first launched it, I was not in the best head space, which is slightly ironic seeing as it is a wellness platform. I had been through a few tough experiences that had really knocked my confidence and made me doubt my capabilities as a writer and just in general being able to survive in the work arena. I use the word arena because, let’s face it, it can be super competitive, and at times, you can’t help but feel as if it is you against everybody else. As an escape, I paved out this tiny corner of the online world where I could write on topics that I loved and live out the fantasy of being my own boss on a platform that really aims to make a difference. I even enlisted the help of a few friends who love writing and self-care as much as I do.

Slowly, slowly the number of articles on the site built up, and I started to receive very positive feedback from family members, friends and even strangers looking to begin their wellness journey. So, I started to think, can this be something more? I knew I always wanted it to be, but goodness, the act of pursuing it felt far too daunting, and I really doubted my capabilities to carry it off. Let me rephrase that, that inner critic I’m sure many of us are all too familiar with, threw stones at my unsteady foundation, throwing me off balance each time I thought about pursuing it seriously.

Eventually, I got the harsh reality check I needed. I was not going to be able to achieve anything if I didn't dare to believe in myself. If I viewed myself as not worthy and not capable and that is the constant thought pattern going over and over in my head, things were going to be very tough. Every time I would step, even a toe, out of my comfort zone I would find ways to slap it back into place out of fear. Fear of what? That great big scary F word. No, not the one you are thinking of! The F word here is “Failure”. Yes, that capitalisation is on purpose as I placed so much emphasis on failure and trying to avoid it, it became this huge shadow constantly lurking in the background of any thoughts or ideas I had that my brain could classify as "too risky." This shadow had permanently attached itself to me; it was almost a close ally…almost. Because an ally does not stop you from chasing the things you love and are passionate about. An ally lifts you up through the good and the bad and helps you get back on your feet when you stumble.  

I voiced my fear of failure to family at first and they started to shift my perspective on it. How are you supposed to learn and grow if you don’t fail? How are you supposed to know what to do differently next time if you don’t give something a try for the first time? How are you supposed to learn about what does and doesn’t work for you if you don’t test anything out of your comfort zone? 

All very true, but that shadow of failure cast its dark cloud over it, and I would think, "Oh they have to say that, they are my family." (My family are very honest people so this thought process wasn’t even really applicable, but that inner critic can make you doubt all sorts of things.) But, I did my best to try and lean into what they said as more and more individuals repeated the same. I then went out on a mission to get some self-help books. I didn’t know what I was after, just that I wanted to read more on wellness and the impact of gratitude, journaling, meditation etc. However, there was one book that caught my eye immediately, and I felt a sense of satisfaction as I pulled it off the shelf, "Failosophy" by Elizabeth Day. I couldn’t have found a book more suitable for my current state than that, and I thought even if it doesn’t have anything that will help, there is some power in acknowledging failure has been a part of my journey but I want to do something about it. It almost felt like I was challenging the awful shadow of failure, saying so what? You are not that scary to me right now. 

However, I was pleasantly surprised by just how much the book helped me. Some of the phrases were exactly what was going on in my mind and just like my parents have tried to tell me countless times, failure is not scary. It is almost necessary to learn more about yourself. I wouldn’t be me without some of the wrong turns I took, and I would not have learned some incredibly valuable lessons that have helped me through many difficult situations.

I was once told by a boss that my writing was more of a "blog style". Initially, I didn’t take it as an offence. However, when they added “I don’t mean to offend you” after the sentence, I suddenly did. I felt inadequate, disheartened and quite small at the time, but eventually, I leaned into it. Firstly, I learnt no one’s opinions should hold the power to dictate how you feel about yourself. Often, when someone says something negative, it is usually a reflection of what they are going through and not actually a personal attack on you. Secondly, I was not going to take this as a sign of failure. If anything, it was a strength, I had a writing style which is so important in the world of journalism. Changing my mindset helped drive building my wellness platform along, and now, well, I am about to relaunch a new and improved version of A Blog For Days.

To wrap up, as I was taking a quick pause from writing this article, an instagram post on @mentalityway popped up that is the perfect quote to conclude with. The post read, “Remember that you are allowed to feel both brave and terrified in the midst of change.” A bit of fear is normal, but it can be challenged, and that is what you should lean into. Lean into how exciting it can be doing something new, no matter how big or small it is. Lean into the lessons yo are going to learn along the way, and, most importantly, don’t let anyone deter you from them!