I recently founded my own online platform, but I have to be honest, when I first launched it, I was not in the best head space, which is slightly ironic seeing as it is a wellness platform. I had been through a few tough experiences that had really knocked my confidence and made me doubt my capabilities as a writer and just in general being able to survive in the work arena. I use the word arena because, let’s face it, it can be super competitive, and at times, you can’t help but feel as if it is you against everybody else. As an escape, I paved out this tiny corner of the online world where I could write on topics that I loved and live out the fantasy of being my own boss on a platform that really aims to make a difference. I even enlisted the help of a few friends who love writing and self-care as much as I do.

Slowly, slowly the number of articles on the site built up, and I started to receive very positive feedback from family members, friends and even strangers looking to begin their wellness journey. So, I started to think, can this be something more? I knew I always wanted it to be, but goodness, the act of pursuing it felt far too daunting, and I really doubted my capabilities to carry it off. Let me rephrase that, that inner critic I’m sure many of us are all too familiar with, threw stones at my unsteady foundation, throwing me off balance each time I thought about pursuing it seriously.

Eventually, I got the harsh reality check I needed. I was not going to be able to achieve anything if I didn't dare to believe in myself. If I viewed myself as not worthy and not capable and that is the constant thought pattern going over and over in my head, things were going to be very tough. Every time I would step, even a toe, out of my comfort zone I would find ways to slap it back into place out of fear. Fear of what? That great big scary F word. No, not the one you are thinking of! The F word here is “Failure”. Yes, that capitalisation is on purpose as I placed so much emphasis on failure and trying to avoid it, it became this huge shadow constantly lurking in the background of any thoughts or ideas I had that my brain could classify as "too risky." This shadow had permanently attached itself to me; it was almost a close ally…almost. Because an ally does not stop you from chasing the things you love and are passionate about. An ally lifts you up through the good and the bad and helps you get back on your feet when you stumble.  

I voiced my fear of failure to family at first and they started to shift my perspective on it. How are you supposed to learn and grow if you don’t fail? How are you supposed to know what to do differently next time if you don’t give something a try for the first time? How are you supposed to learn about what does and doesn’t work for you if you don’t test anything out of your comfort zone? 

All very true, but that shadow of failure cast its dark cloud over it, and I would think, "Oh they have to say that, they are my family." (My family are very honest people so this thought process wasn’t even really applicable, but that inner critic can make you doubt all sorts of things.) But, I did my best to try and lean into what they said as more and more individuals repeated the same. I then went out on a mission to get some self-help books. I didn’t know what I was after, just that I wanted to read more on wellness and the impact of gratitude, journaling, meditation etc. However, there was one book that caught my eye immediately, and I felt a sense of satisfaction as I pulled it off the shelf, "Failosophy" by Elizabeth Day. I couldn’t have found a book more suitable for my current state than that, and I thought even if it doesn’t have anything that will help, there is some power in acknowledging failure has been a part of my journey but I want to do something about it. It almost felt like I was challenging the awful shadow of failure, saying so what? You are not that scary to me right now. 

ومع ذلك، فوجئت بسرور بمدى مساعدة الكتاب لي. كانت بعض العبارات بالضبط ما كان يدور في ذهني، ومثلما حاول والديّ إخباري بعدد لا يُحصى من المرات، فإن الفشل ليس مخيفاً. إنه أمر ضروري تقريباً لتتعلم المزيد عن نفسك. لن أكون أنا دون بعض المنعطفات الخاطئة التي قمت بها، ولم أكن لأتعلم بعض الدروس القيمة التي ساعدتني في العديد من المواقف الصعبة.

قال لي رئيس عمل في مرة من المرات إن كتابتي كانت أكثر من "أسلوب المدونة". في البداية، لم أعتقد أنها إهانة. ومع ذلك، عندما أضاف “لا أقصد أن أُهينك” بعد الجملة، شعرت فجأة بالإهانة. شعرت بعدم الكفاءة، وفتور العزيمة، وصغر حجم نفسي في ذلك الوقت، لكن في نهاية المطاف، تقبلت الأمر. أولاً، تعلمت أن آراء الآخرين لا يجب أن تمتلك القوة في تحديد شعورك تجاه نفسك. غالباً، عندما يقول شخص ما شيئاً سلبياً، فإنه عادة ما يكون انعكاساً لما يمر به وليس هجوماً شخصياً عليك. ثانياً، لم أكن سأعتبر هذا علامة على الفشل. إذا كان هناك شيء، كان ذلك قوة، كان لدي أسلوب كتابة وهو أمر مهم جداً في عالم الصحافة. ساعدني تغيير طريقة تفكيري في بناء منصتي للصحة النفسية، والآن، حسنًا، أنا على وشك إعادة إطلاق نسخة جديدة ومحسنة من مدونة للأيام.

لختام الأمر، أثناء أخذ استراحة سريعة من كتابة هذه المقالة، ظهرت لي منشورة على إنستغرام من @mentalityway وهي اقتباس مثالي للختم. كانت المنشورة تقول: "تذكر أنه يُسمح لك بالشعور بالشجاعة والرعب في نفس الوقت خلال التغير." القليل من الخوف أمر طبيعي، ولكن يمكن تحديه، وهذا ما يجب عليك السعي نحوه. استمتع بالشعور بالإثارة التي يمكن أن تأتي من تجربة شيء جديد، بغض النظر عن حجمه. استمتع بالدروس التي ستتعلمها على طول الطريق، والأهم من ذلك، لا تدع أي شخص يمنعك عنها!